imma gonna

Told Imma shame
keep the self expression down
silence my mind
stop exposing the underbelly
pull away from helping others
don’t do it
not cool man
imma not gonna do it
i love all way
too much to close
doors just ’cause
someone is disgraced
by my being me
i’m all i got
i write things here i hafta
keep with us
cause if my friends
see it their discomfort
grows and creates
a me
that does not exist


The buzz of nerve
A refrain of screaming nerve cells
Burning back to calves
Thinking it done
Another haze of militant
Steroids enters
I think this time
I will control it
They will not ruin my days
After two days realizing
They won
I fought and tried
But the way they ravage
Through the body and mind
Is a realization
That I do not want
To live like this forever
I tried I wish my body love
I loved my friends
But they just got tired
Of my illnesses and up down
Up down emotion with each
Set of steroid shots
Or new drugs gone wrong
Can’t blame them
I would avoid me too
I wish I could
Thinking I’m writing jazz mails
Turns out to be taken the wrong way
Hated and lectured to again
For dedication and thanks
In helping me with music
They hang and stroke the back of ego cat
Finding new ways to push away
New rules for me to live by
Learned my place
Is ashes across a wave
Or six feet underground
Just have to wait and figure
The best way this time
This time was too much
I thought I was joking
And each word was hated
Each call avoided
When all I wanted to do was
A short hey gotta talk fast
To burn the steroid fever
Eating me up let it find peace
Not a secret it hurts
Only to be told I’m nuts
And it inflames to say I hope one day
They go through same as I
The pain and uncontrollable
Nature that is a body full
Of steroids and nerve blockers
A curse every coal burning vessel
All so I can walk like what
Certainly not a man
Just a dust swirl In afternoon light
Waiting for a place to settle down
Then the winds rush across the room
And I know I am done
Nowhere to turn nowhere to die
Thanks for misunderstanding
And at heart hating me
I feel ashamed for happiness
When it comes at such a price
Self promotion is a shadow self
Mannerisms locked into small cities
Noses turned up at the sight
Of a man who survived
Guess I should have died
Dignity intact than suffer
The horror greater than
The steroid burn
The horror of every joke
Heard as self pity
The stain
Being the stain of sin
In the footsteps
Leaving the room
After telling me never
Dedicate a piece again
Never let the cherished name
Cross my lips of gratitude
Damned in quietude
The steroid flames subside
After five days of endless
Rush and collapse I think OK
Nope, gotta get that go away email
Knowing it’s the drug not me
But every word is taken wrong
Every poem a steam of self pity
And for a line or two yeah,
Walk in my shoes feel it
Feel the bitter, stinging push of needle
To spine and as it rushes through
Knowing this is going to be one
Hell of a week but worse
But really not knowing just how
Much hell and for how long

Milarepa Freeing Channa of his Demon

This is from a story from the 100,000 Song of Milarepa, a Buddhist mystic, poet. It is the third in a series I am writing in combining his works so they are understandable for the modern age. The repetitive nature is essential as it is a chant/song, that echoes the Diamond Sutra. Milarepa’s cave above Devils Lake was always being invaded by one thing or another and this time it was 3 demons. He understood their evil nature so he fed them, get them drunk and then chanted holy sutras to free the bodies of the demon. In this case it was a demon who became known as Channa. Channa, the man, built several altars and a Buddhist temple in the Tibetan to Nepal plateau in honor of Gautama and for Milarepa. Much was done to get his works out Tibet when China slaughtered and robbed their way into a friendly annexation with Tibet. So, I am rewriting some works for modern times staying with the story itself and in the manner of repetition and chant as used to remove the demon so that the man, Channa could live. The works are amazing, beautiful, are of a Buddhist prophet and posses great meaning throughout. I hope that it is not too boring but a good story sometimes takes time and this is about an hour at best, but I promise if you let the words and the meter do their thing you will feel the depth of Mahayana Buddhist devotion and beauty in love for one another for a better world.

Tibetan Bowls Morning Love

I was thinking about Kuan Yi and a necklace of bells, of waking to the sound of Tibetan bowls singing and the chanting of sutras to the dawn. So I did my own, in my raw untrained manner, which probably only I will like but that’s cool. The high notes often make people jittery. It is to clear the upper chakra, the brain/mind/skull in lifting our spirit to a higher plain of love and peace for the day.

Tibetan Singing Bowls Dawn Meditation

As ambient as it gets except my knocking over a bowl or two, It is a morning prayer. It could be an evening prayer to slip into sleep, which is cool cause I have tried three times to listen to it and fell asleep before the end. I may have traveled a bit while playing but that is another story for ears that believe. I did sing/chant here and there but it is more like dream state.

Ginger and Mint Tea for one who was a love

This is just a Southern Hillbilly song, nothing added, it is just a simple song, but something about I was touched when I finished and I felt compelled to share. Is it a true story? Who cares, enough are made up anyway and they are much larger than my life, and it’s fun to hear what I have said or done when I had not said or done anything remotely close to the story. I always wonder why a person tells lies to invoke the (th Amendment yet ignore the 11th as Christ becoming Jesus said to his disciples ” I give you a new Commandment, and that is to Love as I have Loved you.” Why lie when reality has been set on fire by a feet of darkest of angels released when the Groper in Chief, The Conversion Believing Dinosaur Cowboy or The Smirk. I wonder how parents explain their madness unless they themselves fell victim to the mass hysteria of fascism. Instead a sweet song to sing to any who are awakening. Just a sweet song and nothing more. We know what is coming. We cannot stop the horror.

Tibetan Singing Bowl In C Sternum

Tibetan Holy 7 metal bowl variations for X I only love, if it is a steroid week then I am trying so damn hard not to make anyone mad, but my frailty shows and the weak attack. I pray this finds anyone in a welcoming mood and patient for 7 minutes of meditations.  I wish to fill it with love for God and for all, I love you even more. Those who seek harm in the world, I must love them. Why? The one living God says so, that’s why. And 800 or 900 years BCE or so, the enlightened Buddha spoke similar and caused waves across the East that l looked into today. I just wish those who claim to have Buddha knowledge have actually reached into his own words over a period of 60 years as guru Gautama Buddha. We are supposed to try to lessen suffering. If someone is in pain from medical procedures or general harm, show compassion. Evil hearts seek to harm. There is much to learn from the two great faiths, being Catholicism and Buddhism. I will not argue. One must believe as they wish, and not condemn the prayerful like some Pilgrim harpy. God is God and the paths are many; I simply chose the Higher and the lower, the middle path, the path we call Mahayana Buddhism, which I have been faithful for most of my life except for a ten year Zen lost during which sobriety occurred and my life began again. Only the vast and mostly true ones of the coast. They are my actions, and no others. To lie and gossip is against the Ninth Commandment, and Gautama spoke of this in the Dhammapada, as well the 500 Buddhas.