AND I BURN THE ROOTS WAVE STEROID CURSE AND WISH THE PAIN BE FELT AS I

The buzz of nerve
A refrain of screaming nerve cells
Burning back to calves
Thinking it done
Another haze of militant
Steroids enters
I think this time
I will control it
They will not ruin my days
After two days realizing
They won
I fought and tried
But the way they ravage
Through the body and mind
Is a realization
That I do not want
To live like this forever
I tried I wish my body love
I loved my friends
But they just got tired
Of my illnesses and up down
Up down emotion with each
Set of steroid shots
Or new drugs gone wrong
Can’t blame them
I would avoid me too
I wish I could
Thinking I’m writing jazz mails
Turns out to be taken the wrong way
Hated and lectured to again
For dedication and thanks
In helping me with music
They hang and stroke the back of ego cat
Finding new ways to push away
New rules for me to live by
Learned my place
Is ashes across a wave
Or six feet underground
Just have to wait and figure
The best way this time
This time was too much
I thought I was joking
And each word was hated
Each call avoided
When all I wanted to do was
A short hey gotta talk fast
To burn the steroid fever
Eating me up let it find peace
Not a secret it hurts
Only to be told I’m nuts
And it inflames to say I hope one day
They go through same as I
The pain and uncontrollable
Nature that is a body full
Of steroids and nerve blockers
A curse every coal burning vessel
All so I can walk like what
Certainly not a man
Just a dust swirl In afternoon light
Waiting for a place to settle down
Then the winds rush across the room
And I know I am done
Nowhere to turn nowhere to die
Thanks for misunderstanding
And at heart hating me
I feel ashamed for happiness
When it comes at such a price
Self promotion is a shadow self
Mannerisms locked into small cities
Noses turned up at the sight
Of a man who survived
Guess I should have died
Dignity intact than suffer
The horror greater than
The steroid burn
The horror of every joke
Heard as self pity
The stain
Being the stain of sin
In the footsteps
Leaving the room
After telling me never
Dedicate a piece again
Never let the cherished name
Cross my lips of gratitude
Damned in quietude
The steroid flames subside
After five days of endless
Rush and collapse I think OK
Nope, gotta get that go away email
Knowing it’s the drug not me
But every word is taken wrong
Every poem a steam of self pity
And for a line or two yeah,
Walk in my shoes feel it
Feel the bitter, stinging push of needle
To spine and as it rushes through
Knowing this is going to be one
Hell of a week but worse
But really not knowing just how
Much hell and for how long